One of the stranger parts of grief is feeling guilty when you catch yourself anticipating something good. You agree to lunch. You laugh during a show. You imagine a dinner party or a trip. Then the thought arrives: How can I be excited about this when he is gone?
I know that feeling. Brad’s death changed my life in an instant. There are days when I miss the simple certainty of his being here. There are also moments when I think about the life I still want: people around my table, work I care about, a home with warmth in it, and experiences I haven’t had yet.
Looking forward to those things does not erase our marriage. It does not mean I have finished grieving. It means I am alive, and I want to participate in the life in front of me.
Grief can change from hour to hour. You can have a lovely afternoon and cry in the car afterward. You can feel peaceful one day and undone by a familiar song the next. You do not owe anyone a consistent performance of sadness to prove that your loss was real.
If the idea of a whole new life feels too large, look forward to one small thing. A meal with a friend. Fresh sheets on the bed. A class. A movie that makes you laugh. You are allowed to enjoy that hour without making a promise about how you will feel tomorrow.
I am learning to keep loving Brad while also caring for the life I have left. Sometimes that begins with giving myself permission to have a good day.
Chrysti Tovani is a Fair Oaks real estate advisor, life-transition specialist, and the author of Downsizing with Intention. Her work is built around one idea: making room for what comes next. Through The Making Room Framework™, she helps people sell long-held homes, downsize with clarity, and move through major life changes with confidence, care, and a real plan.
With decades of experience across real estate, mortgage, and title, Chrysti brings deep industry knowledge and thoughtful preparation to every move. She is a Seniors Real Estate Specialist® (SRES) and a Certified Probate and Trust Real Estate Specialist, and her approach blends strategic marketing, skilled negotiation, and emotional intelligence so each transition is handled with both precision and heart.
Chrysti is also the founder of I Love Fair Oaks, a hyperlocal media platform celebrating trusted businesses and community life in Fair Oaks, California, a beloved Sacramento County community known for its historic village, the American River Parkway, and a small-town feel that keeps people here for decades. She has called it home for more than 35 years. Chrysti is a licensed REALTOR® with eXp Realty of California, DRE #01118449.
